Dear Depression

You suck.

Many people have different aspects of this illness that affect them most, and these aspects have ups and downs over the days/weeks/months. Personally, for me, I have two major problems which bother me most due to my depression.

1) My Memory.

My memory is absolutely awful, this is all linked to my depression. Why this is bad for me is primarily because taking medication every day is very difficult, little weekly pill boxes do absolutely nothing. It is not helped currently by my very bad financial situation meaning I cannot afford my prescriptions so I'm cutting my dosage just to eek it out.

What helps most is routine. If my pills are in a visible place next to something like my toothbrush or my coffee then I'll remember to take all of them, the more days in a row I manage this the better my memory gets and the less reliant on the routine I am. But it's a vicious cycle because I get comfortable and then suddenly it's been 3 days and I haven't taken any medication and I'm having baby scares and being generally unpleasant to my SO.

Although the daily medication aspect is perhaps the most dangerous part of a bad memory, it also comes along with other extremely frustrating moments. Being reminded 3 times to remember something and then not bringing it happens weekly. Forgetting the time I'm supposed to be meeting someone 5 mins after re-reading a message, again, weekly. Worse, though, is planning to do something and then completely forgetting. Not because I'm too busy. It just completely slips my mind as a task I needed to get done.

Just look at the regularity of this blog and you'll understand. When I was posting weekly, sometimes twice weekly, I had ample medication. I had my routine. I had my cat. Everything fed into my memory being in pretty good shape. It sounds stupid and like a bad excuse, but I honestly just forget to write. I can't believe my last post before the watch review was April 23rd, it feels like I write every week.

Not having any animals in my daily life anymore has had a big affect on my mood...

2) My Energy Levels

I'm pretty sure a lack of energy or motivation is a common trait amongst all sufferers of depression, but it sure does suck when you're an aspiring athlete. I am tired 90% of the time. A horrible type of tiredness which is hard to describe, because I sleep plenty. Although I am certain that being B12 deficient is also affecting this, the tiredness that depression brings is a difficult beast to tackle.

It's the kind of heavy eye tiredness which makes driving for me pretty dangerous. It's a tiredness which feels like your forehead has been attached to a heavy iron ball & chain and yet shoves your ears full of cotton wool at the same time. A tiredness which also seems to make you hungry, but you're not sure what for, as long as it gives you energy. My muscles ache due to training. But I'm sure they'd ache if I quit, because it's that kind of tiredness which depression causes, and it's an illness which afflicts so many athletes.

I did not want this blog to have so many posts about depression or anxiety, but as they are demons which cling onto my every day life it's something I find so easy to talk about.

If you're an athlete who, despite after 9 hours sleep, struggles to get up in the mornings. Or forgets what training sessions they have on that day. Or doesn't remember to pack socks. An athlete who has to grit their teeth and pull themselves through long sessions, even after a rest day, because their muscles ache as if they had the flu. Then please talk to someone, because although the answer may not be what you want to hear it may help you get stronger, fitter and faster.

Natalie X